Couples Therapy
Has A Rift Formed Between You And Your Partner?
Are you and your partner struggling to communicate? Have frequent arguments and emotional distance become the norm? Do you wish you knew how to restore your relationship and get back to the way things used to be?
Lately, it may seem like nothing you say to each other ends well. One minute you might be talking about something harmless, like the weekly to-do list, and the next thing you know, you’re embroiled in another argument.
Perhaps everything your partner says sounds like criticism to you. But when you share this with them, they might accuse you of being defensive and overreacting whenever they try to tell you something constructive. Getting stuck in these negative communication patterns creates misunderstandings, conflicts, and further emotional disconnection.
You Might Be Spending More Time Apart
If you’ve drifted away from your partner, you may feel alone in the relationship. Their actions may leave you uncertain that they have your back, eroding your sense of trust and security. Missing their unconditional support could leave you feeling anxious, overwhelmed, and hopeless.
Perhaps you’re filled with self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy as you question whether the problems in your relationship are all your fault. Or conversely, maybe you feel anger and contempt toward your partner, blaming them for causing the friction between you. As you try to figure out how to move forward, you may feel physically exhausted and emotionally drained.
Fortunately, couples therapy offers you a chance to press the reset button on your relationship. By committing to couples counseling, you can improve communication, resolve conflict, rebuild trust, and reignite the passion and intimacy you once shared.
The Success Of Any Long-Term Relationship Hinges On Communication
Communication difficulties are one of the most commonly reported issues in relationships. A study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that communication problems were cited as a major concern by around 65 percent of couples seeking therapy. [1]
What’s more, according to research conducted by the Gottman Institute, the end of a relationship can be predicted based on one of these four behaviors:
criticism,
contempt,
defensiveness, and
stonewalling.
These are known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, the absence of empathy and open communication heralds the beginning of the end of the relationship. [2]
The Detrimental Impact Of Technology And Social Media
The widespread use of technology—especially smartphones and social media—often contributes to and exacerbates communication problems in relationships. The constant distraction that our devices present us can impact quality face-to-face interactions with our partners, leading to emotional disconnection and less intimacy. But it doesn’t end there. We may face other obstacles in our relationship, including:
Financial pressures;
Work-life balance challenges;
Cultural and gender expectations;
Unresolved past trauma;
An absence of healthy role models in our families of origin;
Unrealistic and idealized media portrayals of how relationships are reflected in movies, TV shows, and social media.
Because we are emotionally invested in our relationship, maintaining objectivity and see the situation clearly can be challenging. Emotions—such as anger, hurt, or fear—can cloud our judgment and hinder our problem-solving abilities. Without outside perspective and support, it can be difficult for us to recognize what’s wrong and find effective solutions.
But working with a couples therapist can help you gain perspective about your relationship and see things from your partner’s point of view. With objectivity, you can resolve conflicts more easily and find ways to compromise and work together.
Couples Therapy Can Help You Learn How To Listen To Each Other
If you and your partner have stopped communicating effectively, the distance that’s grown between you may seem vast. But even if you feel more disconnected in your relationship than ever before, therapy can help you find your way back to each other. Couples counseling offers a safe space for you to express your thoughts and feelings openly, gain insight and self-awareness about each other and yourselves, and enhance intimacy and connection.
In therapy sessions, you can learn how to break free from the cycle of arguments and cultivate empathy, peace, and harmony in your relationship. By identifying negative communication patterns, you can change the way you talk to each other which will foster more empathy and compassion.
What To Expect In Sessions
During ongoing therapy sessions, we will explore various aspects of your relationship as well as individual experiences that inform how you show up for each other. Understanding the relationship dynamics you have established that lead to conflicts—such as power struggles and avoidance tactics—allows positive change. At the end of sessions, we will end on a positive note with relationship-building activities that deepen connection, such as holding eye contact or asking each other questions from the New York Times’ “36 Questions on the Way to Love.” [3]
Although the long-term goals of couples therapy may vary based on your specific needs, some common long-term goals include:
Improved communication and understanding;
Healthy conflict resolution;
Deeper emotional intimacy;
Personal growth and self-awareness.
The cumulative effect of the work you do in couples therapy will rebuild trust and heal past wounds. Applying the insights and strategies you learn in therapy to your daily lives will foster healthier communication, emotional well-being, and overall relationship satisfaction.
The Modalities I Use In Couples Therapy
Because improving communication, connection, and emotional regulation are vital to couples counseling, I incorporate the Gottman Method and Imago relationship therapy into couples’ work.
The ability to communicate effectively and openly fosters understanding and connection. Through psychoeducation, you will learn more about your current communication dynamics, identifying what works well and where improvement is needed.
Utilizing the Imago dialogue, we will focus on mirroring, validation, and empathy to resolve conflict. We do this by having you engage in active listening and assertive communication. Mirroring back what you hear your partner saying—and articulating back to them how it makes you feel in a clear, respectful way—allows the compassion between you to grow.
When conversations get emotionally heated, they quickly become arguments where nothing gets resolved. In therapy, we must create a space where you can have rational conversations with each other. I like to offer grounding techniques to help you decompress and recommend physical exercise and movement to calm the nervous system.
Addressing your relationship challenges may feel daunting, but with help and support, positive change is possible. Therapy provides an encouraging space for you to explore, understand, and work through your challenges together so that you can feel truly valued, appreciated, and loved by your partner.
But Maybe You’re Not Sure If Couples Therapy Is Right For You…
Can couples counseling really help us?
Therapy has been proven highly effective in helping couples navigate and overcome relationship challenges. [4] By providing a safe and supportive environment, working with a counselor allows couples to gain insights, develop effective strategies, and improve their communication style. Because many couples before you have experienced significant positive changes and growth through coaching and therapy, there is hope you can transform your relationship as well.
Will couples therapy expose cracks in our relationship and cause us to break up?
Perhaps you worry that if you go to couples counseling, underlying problems or irreconcilable differences may rise to the surface, exacerbating conflicts and potentially ending your relationship. However, couples therapy aims to promote understanding, healing, and growth. Rather than dwelling exclusively on the problems that exist, your couples therapist will work collaboratively with you to foster positive change and strengthen the relationship.
Having said that, my goal as therapist isn’t to “save” the relationship no matter what. If it is fatally flawed, then I will guide each of you to make logical decisions rather than emotional ones.
I worry that couples therapy will expose our weaknesses and that the therapist will judge us.
Understandably, the idea of sharing the intimate details of your relationship and personal life with a therapist can be daunting. I take the approach that everyone has strengths and vulnerabilities. I prefer this language over weaknesses. You may fear judgment, embarrassment, or feeling vulnerable in the therapeutic process. But couples therapy is a confidential and non-judgmental space where you can safely explore your concerns. As a couples counselor, I am trained to create a supportive environment where you can feel comfortable sharing your experiences without fear of criticism or shame.
Make Your Relationship Better Than Ever
Working to make your relationship the best it can be will be time well-spent. To find out more about couples therapy with Cushing Counseling, visit my contact page or call 703-475-2119 to schedule a free 15-minute call.
[1] https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/fam/
[3] https://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/13/style/the-36-questions-on-the-way-to-love.html?ref=redirector
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